According to the Phanatic, Phanexor (his ancestral home) was the largest moon of the planet Lexor (a doomed planet wherein Lex Luthor was marooned in the '50s, he late revitalized that world's eco-system, restored it to prominence, renamed said planet and was thusly celebrated as its greatest champion and patron.) The important part about that says the Phanatic is that apparently Lex had left an intergalactic radio whilst on an expedition of the moon that would be Phanexor.
After Mr. Luthor had left, the Phanatic tells of himself, his best girl Phyllis, his mama, Pheobe, and his lil' bro Slyly (who is now a mascot for the Hiroshima Carp; good luck trying to find a picture) would crowd around and listen to baseball games and groove to the occasional rock n' roll tune. He told me specifically he was psyched the most about Jump Blues and Soul. He went on to exclaim that anything by the Funk Bros. (the studio band for Motown) gives him what he calls "the feelin'." It was these tunes that helped him to establish the tummy groove he delights fans with at Citizen's Bank Park (the best ballpark in the multiverse!)to this day.
Dark times came about on Phanexor as the hunger of Galactus precipitated Lexor to become a planet Marked for Death. The Phanatic had always questioned Luthor's alliance with Brainiac, and was perpetually suspicious about the handful of Skrull outposts neighboring Phanexor; but when he heard one word about Galactus:
"dude..., that's motherph*&#ing Galactus Ph^*k that sh*t! i'm not the one! and you know Lex ain't gonna do crap to help us Phanenites! so me, mom(Pheobe), my stupid lil bro' (Slyly), and honeydip (Phyllis) grabbed the radio, a bit if grindage (hot dogs, cheesesteak, and tastykakes) and we was out!"
Validating the Phanatic's fears, Luthor served Galactus the moon Phanexor in hopes of dissuading the planet-devourer. From his seat in a star cruiser he likens to a giant cheeseburger (seen pictured in last post; photo taken approx. 1956 Earth A.D.), the Phanatic says he watched as the Silver Surfer surfed on by and hooked up the matter transference system.
Bummed that he left some key baseball cards and Mad magazines behind, the Phantic says he passed the time listening to the likes of Richie Ashburn, Johnny Callison, and Robin Roberts. As the trip wore on, the Phantatic says the names may have changed to Schmidt, Carlton, and the secretary of defense, Gary Maddox, but "we kept it pushin'! Go Phils!" Furthermore, the Phanatic says that his favorite part of baseball is touching 'em all, stellar defense, and getting after it.
He went on to explain that he felt the same level of stoke during his his first live game (April 25th, 1978 a the Vet) as he did during his most recent (the Phils clinching the World Series, October 29th, 2008) and now he says one can barely even measure his stoke. Mostly, he's amped about Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, and Cole Hamels.
Where i was only nine months old when the Phillies won the World Series in 1980, the Phanatic was 622 Earth years old. He delighted in explaining how he was still kinda new to the scene back then. The way he tells it, at first he thought about coming clean about Phanexor and Galactus and all that. But then after watching Escape from the Apes, his tune changed quite a bit.
He's not afraid of humans per se, but "nobody wants to get killed by a gorilla in a zoo like Dr. Milo; i ain't goin' out like that! Ape must not kill Ape, but nobody said nuffin' about a giant green Phillies fan and his homies...i don't trust scientists!" So parading himself as a creation from the same sketchbook that spawned Big Bird, the Phanatic set about the task of procuring "killer seats and the right to act a fool at every ph@*king Phillies game!" He says his introduction on the show "Captain Noah and his Magicl Ark" was a real cool time and illustrated to him the importance of imagination. It's imagination that allowed him to name the Galapaggos islands as his "birthplace"; now he spends the off-season there with his friends. But still the Phanatic returns every season, sporting his "Paint the town Red!" tan, to watch his beloved Phils. Plus he says he can't stop, won't stop thinking about that Hatfield Hot Dog Launcher and hopes that some day they'll let him fire it 45.675 times. (a world-record for sure and a Hot Dog for every single ticket of a capacity crowd at Citizen's Bank Park)
And after two decades of being the greatest mascot in all of sport, the Phanatic is thankful for his two best friends, Dave Raymond and Tom Burgoyne. He says he was proud to be in the closing credits of Rocky Balboa, but would have liked better to be in Rocky V. He had wanted to be in a Rocky movie ever since his feud with Tommy Lasorda. He would also like to end all the talk of him being "a green transvestite."
The way he sees it, he's a big boppin' green party machine who loves the Phillies; and he says: GO PHILS!!!!

-the Main Man!

goodbye Phanexor! hello Earth; go Phils!

The not-so-curious arbitration case of Ryan Howard.

The following is a non-binding mediation of a dispute between one Ryan Howard, 1B, and his employer, the World Phucking Champion Philadelphia Phillies:
the terms are as follows: Mr. Howard has foregone an offer of 14 million dollars in hopes of being awarded 18 million dollars to play First Base, smack dingers, get after another world title and possibly a second MVP award; all while producing more runs than all the Taco Bells on the East Coast combined.

We will be comparing Mr. Howard's statistics and salary with contemporary ballplayers both on his own team and all around Major League Baseball. Also, a brief history of Howard's career will be analyzed alongside his past, present, and God-willing, future compensation for said career. And lastly, we will take a look at a few specific contracts paid by the Philadelphia Phillies for the years between 2003 and 2009.
This discussion will not involve questions of why a player needs 18 million dollars to hit a baseball. It is the personal opinion of the Main Man that the league minimum (a little more than $400,000) should be the league maximum. That being said, whether the Phillies pay Mr. Howard 18 million or 18 cents, he would still be playing baseball in multi-billion dollar venue, named after the highest bidder, yet funded by taxpayer dollars, even if the average taxpayer can't afford $10 parking, $7 beers, 3.50 hot dogs, and an average ticket price exceeding 30 dollars. Profits go in the pocket! Sharing only exists in kindergarten. Although MLB team owners do share their profits amongst themselves (it makes collusion a lot easier!) most of them just pocket the money shared among MLB. We are observing the market; not implementing change.
(at least, not until 2016, Great Ape Society 4 Life!, the good fascism)

the comparison:
It has been decided to focus on 10 players throughout MLB:
(seasonal averages per 162 games played) thanx, espn.com
A. Pujols: .334/42HR/128RBI/.425OBP/.624SLG/1.049OPS age:28 avg. salary05-08: 13mil
J, Giambi: .286/35HR/112RBI/.408OBP/.534SLG/.9420PS age: 38 avg salary06-08: 22mil
C. Utley: .298/29HR/108RBI/.375OBP/.526SLG/.901OPS age 30 salary08: 7.7mil
A. Rodriquez: .306/44HR/127RBI/.389OBP/.578SLG/.967OPS age:33 avg salary01-10: 25mil
M. Texeiria: .290/36HR/121RBI/.378OBP/.541SLG/.919OPS age: 28 avg. salary 09-17: 23mil
D. Jeter: .316/17HR/81RBI/.387OBP/.458SLG/.845OPS age: 34 avg. salary 05-10: 21mil
J. Thome: .279/41HR/112RBI/.406OBP/.560SLG/.966OPS age: 38 avg salary 03-08: 14.5mil
J. Morneau: .281/29HR/116RBI/.348OBP/.498SLG/.846OPS age: 27 salary08: 8.4mil
K. Youkillis: .289/19HR/92RBI/.385OBP/.472SLG/.857OPS age: 29 avg. salary09-12: 11mil
D. Ortiz: .287/36HR/121RBI/.382OBP/.554SLG/.946OPS age:33 salary07-08: 13.5 mil

R. Howard: .279/50HR/141RBI/.380OBP/.590SLG/.970OPS age:29 salary08: 10mil

in order to judge Mr. Howard's value to the Phillies and around major league baseball.
The assumption has been taken that the above players are being paid, all rather generously,to win ballgames. To win games, a team must score more runs than the other team. So this discussion will focus heavily on RBIs, HR, and OPS. Fielding, strkeouts, and batting avg. will be weighed, but not as heavily.
The idea being that the best ballplayers ever still make outs 7 times out of 10 so only a 60 point difference in batting avg. is significant. (that is to say 3 of 10 beats the shit outta 2 of 10) Basically, everybody makes twice as many outs as hits so we are only really going to discuss hits!
By that logic, strikeouts are somewhat irrelevant in that there is literally no difference between a strikeout and long drive caught at the warning track. (unless there is a runner on third with less than 2 outs) As far as fielding goes, it is an utter certainty that there are better fielders than Mr. Howard, and sure sometimes he airmails a throw into left field, and sometimes he seems more surprised that a ball's been hit his way than i would be if the ball came rolling at me listening to the game on the radio in Wilmington, DE. But come on, we're talking about swinging for the fences and getting after it; not setting one's feet and making accurate throws. Suffice to say that I have watched every Phillies game since returning from NYC in 2003 and I can not think of a handful of games affected by Howard's ill-fielding whereas I can not count the number of times his bat has just about single-handedly won ballgames.
The key comparisons to Howard are Utley, Howard's teammmate, Arod, the highest paid player in MLB (and the personification of fraudulence!) Thome, whom Howard replaced in Philadelphia, Tex, who just signed an 8 year 184 million dollar contract, and finally Pujols, Howard's oft-rival for MVP.
A comparison with Pujols shows that Howard only really has him beat at HRs and RBIs while Pujols SLG, AVG., and OPS is higher (20 more doubles per season on avg.) and most will concede that Pujols is a decidedly better fielder. From this, the Phillies offer seems generous as they have offered to pay Mr. Howard more money than arguably the best player in the game. The problem with this argument is that Pujols is not undergoing arbitration with the St. Louis Cardinals because the Cardinals were smart enough to sign Pujols to a long-term contract which looks rather inexpensive when compared to the likes of Jeter, Arod, Giambi.
Speaking of long-term contracts, Mark Texeiria just recently signed a huge one with the New York Yankees. This works in the favor of the Phillies in that the Yankees seem like the only team that would agree to pay the monumental price that Howard, his agent Casey Close, and Howard's father are asking. The fewer teams that Howard could conceivably play for when his arbitration runs out (in 2011) adds leverage to the Phillies and puts pressure on Howard to accept terms closer to what the Phillies want.
Conversely, it is not outside the realm of possibility that Howard may win not only this arbitration, but also arbitration in the years 2010 and 2011 if his numbers stay the same. One can also imagine Howard's numbers becoming even more robust. In his MVP season of 2006, his batting avg. was .312. (60 points higher than his 2008 avg.) This added nearly 30 more hits than what his avg. usually is. And as most of us know, Howard usually turns one of every four hits into HRs. So with numbers that would then be immeasurable even when compared to even the very best players in baseball; it is easy to envision Mr. Howard rejecting any Phillies offer in favor of being awarded whatever the Phillies offer plus about 6million: 10mil in 08, 18mil in 09, 24mil, in 2010, and finally 30 million dollars in 2011?!?!?!?!! Seems rather foolish in retrospect, that the Phillies awarded Chase Utley what seemed at the time to be a blank check contract (8 years 80mil...i think?) while not rewarding Ryan Howard for his MVP season with a contract that would pay him handsomely until he was age 34 or 35.
Something comparable to Utley's contract yet nowhere near the suspected 80 plus million dollars that the Phillies probably will have to pay to keep Howard through his arbitration years which will end when he is only 32 years old.
(and also it could have saved the Main Man the nine hours it took to type up all this jazz with two paragraphs still to go...)
And now the crux of the argument; a comparison with Jim Thome, highlighting the phoolish Philadelphia Phillies and their less-than-wise contracts. It is widely held among many Phillies fans that Howard will not finish out not his career in Philadelphia, and maybe not even his arbitration years. Most think that the Phillies will maximize Howard's value and sell high; netting them probably a couple pitchers and also a few prospects. This is a team that since 2003 has shelled out upwards of 66 million dollars for the services of (combined record of 81-77) Kevin Millwood, Eric Milton, Jon Lieber, Adam Eaton (getting paid 8 million a year to go 0-4 with a 7.04 ERA in A ball), and Freddy Garcia (traded away Gavin Floyd, his 4mil signing bonus and 17-8 2008 record, along with 10 million dollars owed to Garcia before a physical even when rumors of injury persisted and percipitated a season-ending injury later; 10 million dollars for ONE PHUCKING WIN!, 9,000 dolars a pitch, not bad biz if you can get it.)
So by all means, have nothing but faith that the Front Office will get rid of Howard for what they think is equal value. It worked getting rid of Thome right? Well, we did get Aaron Rowand out of the deal but to this day we are still paying Thome 3 million dollars in 09 (to hit HRs for the Chicago White Sox). Not to mention that he was the third highest paid player on the Phillies last year, even thought he hasn't sported the red pinstripes since '05. ESPN.com only lists the salaries of players currently on a team's roster so it is dificult to determine just how much of the 45 million dollars the Phillies have had to pay Thome just so they could replace him with Howard, while still having Howard's quest for fair market compensation into an utter debacle.
So finally, Ryan Howard wins this dispute! Enjoy your 18 million dollars, sir. Since the Phillies replaced Thome with Howard then it's only fair they should pay him similar to what they paid, and are still paying Thome. How is it possible that Mr. Howard is the fastest player ever in MLB history to hit 150 homeruns yet trails Albert Pujols (who is two months younger than Howard) by 142 HRs? Probably because Ryan Howard hit 111 HRs in the minors while watching the Phillies overpay Thome from 03-05 (to the tune of 37 million dollars!).
So when Ryan Howard retires with around 545 HRs just think of those 111 other homers along with the fact that this man won a Rookie of the Year award and an MVP while being paid 1.2 million dollars over two seasons and know that you may have cost Ryan Howard a spot in the Hall of Fame.
Please sign him until the year 2013 or beyond. This will be rather expensive.(maybe exceeding 150 million dollars) Make the contract bigger in the first years than the last with incentives for limiting strikeouts and batting avg. improvement. And Mr. Howard, if you are given this deal or a similar one, then take it. If your dad (who from all i read about this situation is the one driving Howard's contract demands)or your agent (casey close) tell you otherwise, then maybe it's time you told them what time it is: time to be reasonable!
Hopefully now you can reasonably answer these questions:
if your dad is making your salary demands, and every year you are awarded a contract by a third-party arbiter rather than having one negotiated for you by your agent; then what the Phuck is your agent actually doing? ...other than collecting his 20% and keeping you from complete job security, all while gambling against the fact that without guaranteed money each year could be your last...? Please know that 20% of 18 million dollars is 3.6 million. Is all this bullcrap really worth 400,00 bucks to you?

-the Main Man!

how i spend my summer vacations w/ the philadelphia philllies ....part2

the definition of myth that i like best is:

A real or fictional story, recurring theme, or character type that appeals to the consciousness of people by embodying its cultural ideals or by giving expression to deep commonly felt emotions

There are currently two myths that plague all of Philadelphia. And June 2006, I came face-to-face with both of them while dealing with an unruly drunken lout of a fan. His contention was that Philadelphia fans somehow are more passionate about our teams than anyone else; so therefore are given free reign to heap as much scorn and bile upon any other opposing fans. And furthermore, Philadelphia fans, because of this passion and suffering, are entitled to a World championship. So i should of just let this dude go about screaming curses, challenging violence, and spitting on these well-behaved, timid Mets fans.
And for about five seconds, i thought about it. The argument that "This is Philly" brings to mind an idea, almost a code of how a Philadelphia sports fan should act. But this is Philadelphia, wherein they signed the Declaration of Independance. So some dude was gonna sit there, in the birthplace of American freedom, and explain to me that it was cool that he was denying people the right to root for their team!?!!?! No F@*(king way!
Sure, I hate the Mets! I loathe the Jose! Jose! Jose! and "Let's go Mets! chants! I dislike that sooooo many of their fans flock to CBP and are embiggened by the fact that they see so many like-minded buttholes. I can't stand orange; I think Jose Reyes is a twerp (one who farts in bathtubs, then bites the bubbles), the only time I enjoy seeing David Wright is when he morphs into the SNL character, Rory Calhoun, explaining away how the Mets have choked another one. AGAIN!!!!! Of the entire borough of Queens, I would only show respect towards the Ramones and Spider-Man. So pretty much the only time I wanna see a Mets fan is on TV @ Shea crying about how their awful team just let them down AGAIN!!!!!!, when they held such high hopes that the Mighty Mets would destroy the lowly Phillies. If only..... their bullpen wasn't atrocious, or there was no such team as the Florida Marlins, or their team wasn't a mass of choke artists, or any other observation that distracts them from the fact that the Mets just aren't that great.
That being said, I have friends that are Mets fans; and we get along great. I razz 'em good: their bullpen is atrocious, their team is a mass of choke artists, or any other observation that lets them know that the Mets just aren't that great. But there are never fights; not even terse words. People like who they are gonna like and that should have little or no bearing on whomever i like.
So next time you are @ the ballpark, watch the field and not the stands. And if you come across a Mets fan; razz 'em. Call 'em whack or ill-fashioned, recant the events of the two previous baseball seasons, lament "2 time NL east Champs!" But if you can't do it with a little bit of charm, sarcasm, or wit, and you need intimidation or threATS of violence to bolster your argument where baseball stats would do just fine......
then maybe you aren't mature enough to come to a ballgame without parental supervision.

how i spend my summer vacations with the philadelphia phillies part1

Not everybody knows; but I am the host @ Citizens Bank Park. Sure, there are many, many others that have the same job as me; but like Jesus': i am "the King of Hosts", or "the Host of Hosts", or "the greatest f##king Host that ever lived."(whichever is the most blasphemous!)
I started this job in June 2006, just when the Phillies really started to get good. In my second full season, the Phillies are in the playoffs for the second time. And if I work until 2057, I'll have made about %10 of what the Phillies paid Wes Helms last year. I got 6 grand, he got 2.3 million dollars. He was the back-up 3B who was supposed to replace David Bell, who was paid 4.7 million dollars, but he sucked. You know what? Bell sucked too. If there's a sucker born every minute than most of them have sucked for the Phillies. Or better yet sucked @ picking players who also sucked for the Phillies. But of all the suckers who have sucked for the Phillies, their numbers pale in comparison to the greatest collection of suckers all-time: the fans.
So here it is, mid-June 2006, and my first game is against the NY Mets (my least favorite squadron). Even worse than the Mets is their fans; a slobbenly, ugly, whiny, super-fat, entitled and ignorant group of trash from Jersey who often clash with our fans (who, oddly enough are a slobbenly, ugly whiny, super-fat, entitled and ignorant group of trash from Jersey.) The Phillies are winning and our fans are free to razz their fans. At this point in the season, the Phils trailed the Mets by only a few games and were starting to not suck. That is until disaster strikes:
On the field, Bell boots an easy play and the Mets score runs, take the lead, and go on to just one hit away from the World Series.
And in the stands, I get my first complaint. A well-mannered and mature Phillies fan (yes, we actually exist.) informed me that the back-and-forth between a group of timid Mets fans and one drunk and unruly Phillies fans was escalating and could possibly lead to fisticuffs (in my section: 303/304) So I step in and immediately tell everybody to cool out. Unfortunately this drunk and unruly phils fan just won't shutup. He's going on-and-on with these tired olde cliches about "this is philly" and "we threw snowballs @ Santa" and how starved Philadelphia is for a championship. ...to be continued.

the best goddamn blog in the world.

 a little bit bout the main man:

     i play drums in Tit Patrol. what's Tit Patrol? well, it's a band. the best band alive. that is to say that i'll readily admit that there were better bands: the Ramones, Screeching Weasel, MTX, the Halflings, Green Day, Buglite, the Bouncing Souls, the Crash, Operation Ivy, and the best band ever, Plow United. so all those bands were better than us; but they're dead. 

 Of all the above bands, only the Ramones have actually deceased members, the rest just went the way of all bands: they got bored, they couldn't hack it, etc,  they broke up, they're gone. 

  Check Danthology for the Where are they now? (the bouncing souls still play shows and put out records; but come on...) I hate music, and i used to love it. but on a long enough timeline everything hits the toilet, everybody ends up shooting pool with a length of rope.

So here I am, music is dead; but i'm full of care, so i gots to care about something, right?  how about those phightin' phils? they may not be great but all the other teams in baseball aren't even good: mets suck, yankees suck, reds suck, fuck the blue jays, the tigers, the A's, the rangers, the braves, especially fuck the marlins, giants, the dodgers, D-backs, and the cubs suck. I hate the red sox, white sox, the nationals, etc.

See the thing about baseball is that you get about 10-12 ballplayers and you try and win the whole thing. take the Brooklyn Dodgers for instance, the Boys of Summer : Edwin "Duke" Snider, Gil Hodges, Pee Wee Reese, Roy Campanella, Clem Labine, and the best second basemen ever: Jackie Robinson. These dudes got together and played every year for over a decade and lost to the yanks in the World Series 7 times. And in '51 the hated Giants stole signs, erased a giant lead , and the Giants win the pennant! the Giants win the pennant. The Dodgers had to watch these other "asshole" NY teams hoist world series' trophies over and over again until the '55 World Series. They finally won one and the Brooklyn Gazette (or maybe the Eagle) got to run the headline: This is next year!  Then less than three years later, the team moved to LA, the gazette folded, and all of Brooklyn went to shit. 

nothing floats forever.... -alison ranger.

The Phillies aren't going to leave town anytime soon. They have a phightin' chance at winnin' 

the World Series this year. But that's about it. And if somebody doesn't take over this stuff and run it the right way than it could be 1995-2002 all over again. or 1951-64, or 65-76, or 1883-1950.  Enter the Main man!

phillies never say phils are dead!

 

Celebrity Endorsement

Introducing the hardest workin' man in punk rock, Todd calls him stupid, I just call him the Main Man... ladles and jelly spoons, Timmy Toner!!!!  Put yer hands together...